Thursday, December 30, 2010

2011 It's a New Year and a New Me (Maybe)

 Every year around this time we all sit around and make all the grand new years resolutions. I never really make them because I never ever keep them. By January 2nd at the latest I've already broken mine. So this year instead of making a resolution to quit smoking, or lose x amount of pounds, I've decided I'm going to work on just being a better me. Or really just work on being me again.

See almost 9 years ago I gave birth to this amazing little girl who calls me mommy and I got this great new job of taking care of her, then I married her dad and a few years later I gave birth to her little brother. I love this job of being a wife and mother to these beautiful crazy kids of mine, and taking care of my wonderful husband and our house and even the annoying chewing wonder that is our dog. But somewhere along the journey I started to lose me. I never intended to stop being Becky, but in the craziness that is our day to day life I guess Becky stopped being quite so important and her wants and needs started taking a back seat to everyone elses, and lately I've noticed something is not all together right. I'm not happy, I'm not unhappy with my husband or kids I love them all dearly I'm just not happy with myself. I feel less than. There's really no other way to put it.

I realized Becky needs to come back and take her rightful place back in the drivers seat. It's time she started having a little bit more attention because even though I'll always be their mom, one day they won't need me to be there holding their hands for them constantly and then what am I going to have? I need something for me.

I've decided it's time for me to go back to school, so I will go see that academic adviser and get started working toward my teaching degree. I will also start working on being  healthier not so much to lose weight or quit smoking, if either of those things happen great but that's not the ultimate goal. Just being more conscious of how I eat and take care of myself is the point. I'll also make it a point to go out once in awhile with my friends for me not just for playdates with the kids. Playdates are great and I love the parents of my kids friends hell most of them are the ones I plan to go out with it's just sometimes we need to get out without the kids.

So while 2011 may be the year of Rabbit in the Chinese calendar for me it's the year of Becky. This may not be all together easy considering all the things my kids are involved in, but really the whole point is just to make a little extra effort for myself. So instead of cleaning the kitchen every night after they go to bed some nights I may just take a nice long hot bath or read a book (an adult book that doesn't include a running Gingerbread man).

I'll keep being mom and the hubs wife I'm hoping I'll just be a happier version of her because I found the Becky that got lost along the way.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I'm an Idiot Just ask my husband

After almost 9 years of marriage I still constantly get it wrong. I think I'm doing the right thing and I'm not, or I think I did something that's going to make him mad and again I'm surprised because I was wrong.

Over the years a constant argument in our house has been finances. As with many couples I'm sure. I've always been the one responsible for doing the banking and making sure everything gets paid on time. On more than one occasion I have totally and completely screwed said bills 10 ways to hell, then lied my ass off about it. It would start out small then snowball out of control until many of them were so far behind I couldn't see straight. Then I would finally fess up to the hubs and we would figure it all out together get everything back on track and then I would somehow be back in charge of everything.

This cycle has repeated itself numerous times over the years always with the same results. I tearfully admit my screwups and wrong doing, he yells and stays mad for a day or two then we fix it and move on. Always with me back at the helm of the money ship. The last time this occurred he promised to take charge so that he could see for himself where things tended to go wrong and also so there was no need to hold me responsible. This way we could take the biggest issue in our marriage out. However his taking charge lasted all of 5 minutes and I had to take care of things or none of the bills would have gotten paid.

This time around things have actually gone pretty well. I may have paid things late here and there but almost always within the month they were due just not necessarily on the actual due date. The only thing I did wrong in my eyes was he didn't want the savings account touched and I was having to dip into it here and there especially with the boys birthday and Christmas. But when he started asking questions about how much was in said account I wouldn't answer because I was positive another fight was on the horizon.

So instead of being an adult and just telling him listen this is what's what I beat around the bush, ignored him, changed the subject and did just about anything I could to avoid the answer. Until today. Today he said to me there isn't a savings account anymore is there? And I knew I had pretty much ruined all the trust that was left and the one man whos opinion of me that mattered was such shit that I can't even face it, that I finally threw the number in the account at him and told him if he wanted to fight about it fine lets do this. To which he replied thats ok I'm not mad at that, just the games you play.

So now I feel like the biggest douche on earth and I don't even know if I can fix the damage I've done yet again to my marriage. I probably don't deserve this man anyway. Hopefully somehow, someway he can find it in himself to forgive me yet one more time for being the basket case that I am. But I wouldn't be surprised or blame him if he didn't

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas 2010 really was merry and bright

Every year since the girl was about 2 we've hosted Christmas eve dinner at our house. It's a several hour affair, so we give a start time about an hour before dinner and we know  guests will come and go throughout the evening. No one is expected to show at a certain time and stay till a certain time it's all fairly informal.  We do this for 2 reasons 1) so we don't have to drag our children to see everyone that wants to see them 2) so on Christmas morning after they open their gifts they can stay in their pjs and actually play with all their new booty.

This year was no different we invited everyone who mattered in our lives to join us on Christmas eve in our home and most of them did. Of course not everyone is able to make it, some people have their own plans and family obligations to tend to and we understand that. We miss those that aren't able to make it and wish they could have joined us but we get it.

This year was really no different than any other a few different faces some regulars weren't able to make it and some people who don't regularly make it did. All in all it was a success. I enjoyed spending time with each and every person who came my only regret is that I never seem to have enough time for each person. I have to spread myself out so I can chat with everyone and I always feel like I could have spent a little more quality time with each of them but that's part of life I guess. I hope that everyone that came enjoyed themselves as much as we did, as I said if you were invited to be here with us you matter and we love you.

There are a couple things that could have made our Christmas Eve tradition a little bit more perfect, like having my mom here with us. I know me and the kids missed her, especially me and the girl. The girl has this really strong bond with her grammy and she misses her on regular days but things like Christmas when your supposed to have all your family around well that gets her a little bit. And well even at 30 I'm a little bit of a mamas girl and I've been going through some emotional crap lately and I'm really missing my mom so it would have been really perfect if she could have been here. But she couldn't get away from work, so she's 1070 mile away in sunny Florida celebrating with my grandpa and great gram but she better have her bony butt up here next year or I might have to fly down there and drag her up myself.

So after the Christmas eve festivities Christmas morning was of course chaotic with the 2 munchkins opening all their presents. It started at 8a.m. and by 8:06a.m. wrapping paper was flying through the air. Lots of giggling and smiling ensued. I had 2 very happy little ones on my hands. By 9 everything had been opened and the kids were ready to get down to the business of playing. Which as all the parents out there know is where the migraine comes in, getting all those fun toys out of the packages. I swear most of what we pay for isn't the toy but all the crap they use to keep the damn thing in the box.

So all in all my bank account is smarting but other than that Christmas turned out to be pretty merry and bright after all. There were moments when I wasn't sure it would be, but I fought my butt off and in the end it was all worth it for the smiles on my babies faces, and the time spent with all the people who matter in my life.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Christmas presents ~I might be in hell~

I love Christmas or at least I usually do but something is just off with me this year. Money isn't exactly growing on trees and that is rather suckish since I really like to give gifts, but I had pretty much reconciled myself with the fact that really only my kids, the hubs and a small handful of people would be receiving this year. To be honest I was ok with this, a little less stress trying to find the perfect gift for everyone anyway.

Besides there's always the Christmas cookies to hand out. You know the ones that start being baked like 3 weeks in advance so there's enough for oh a small army. But somehow even that isn't going as planned, and every time I turn around I'm hearing how someone else I had no intentions of buying for is not only buying for my children but for myself and the hubs as well. So of course now I feel like totally obligated to get them something more than just cookies. Cookies which by the way I'm 4 days away from a ton of people coming over for Christmas eve dinner and I haven't baked a single one.

On top of all that every time I think I'm finally done going to the store to buy my kids and hubs or one of the 100 other people that somehow made it on to my gift list, I realize oh no there's still this and that that's been forgotten. Like the gift certificate for someone who was actually on the original to buy for list or the stocking stuffers for my husband. I'm so out of it I almost forgot to buy my own mother a present, thank the good lord for ship direct with priority shipping. I'm  also pretty sure at this point my bank account is running on fumes and all my creative bill paying and shuffling is still not going to work out in the end.

My worst fear though  is someone is going to walk away from my house feeling bad because I forgot to get them a gift, or what ever I did give them was rather suckish. So tomorrow I will make one last friggin trip out into the madness that is last minute holiday shopping hell and hope that I don't forget anything else, cause if I do oh fucking well it's just to bad. Here's a bucket of cookies (hopefully I've come up with the energy to bake the damn things) eat a couple and be merry! Ho Ho fucking Ho!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

People really buy this stuff~ The odd, the interesting, and the ridiculous



Hold Everything!  

World-renowned industrial designer Naoto Fukasawa has turned the humble throwaway envelope into a durable, all-purpose receptacle you can use again and again. Fukasawa's creation is made of "Soft Naoron," material developed of wood pulp and polyolefin by Japanese paper manufacturer ONAO. It's flexible, water-resistant and tear-proof, so the envelope is sturdy enough to hold up to 22 pounds and can even safely hold wet objects. Destined to become an essential item for anyone committed to a more sustainable, less disposable way of living. Each piece is individually crafted. Handmade in Japan. 

 $46.00 for an friggin envelope are you kidding me, unless that thing is going to start reproducing money inside itself for me I don't care how many times I can reuse it, it's not worth that kind of money.



In Today's Finance Section...

Finances are not a laughing matter. Well, unless your wallet is covered in comics. Made from recycled newspaper funnies and soft, durable, water-resistant laminate this fun wallet will make you smile even when you're shelling out the cash. And for those who are a bit more serious about banking (but not that serious) the news wallet will be perfect reading material for all those presidents you keep in the dark. Features large pocket for bills and four smaller pockets for cards. Handmade in Los Angeles. Available in comic section (shown at left) or news section (shown at right). Due to the recycled nature of this item, each is one of a kind.

Now this is actually a pretty cool twist on the whole reduce, reuse, recycle mantra.

Vending Fridge - Blue

Now this little gem I need someone to share with the hubs I want one for the bedroom

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

What I'm thankful for-Screw it here's a list

So I had this grand plan of blogging everyday this month about one thing I was thankful for. Didn't quite work out, because well I'm the queen of grand plans and the master of sucking at the follow through. I couldn't even post a Facebook status everyday. (Rolling eyes at myself, I'm so ridiculous sometimes). So anyway I figured I am an excellent list maker hell I'll make a master list of list's that's how much I love lists. I know a little anal. So without further ado.I'm thankful for

1. My beautiful, healthy children
2. My amazing husband who may be certifiable for putting up with me
3. My parents for choosing to procreate and keeping me around, and for being pretty rocking most of the time
4. Mom L. for never acting like a step
5.Poppy for helping me keep the pieces together when I thought I was about to shatter
6. My in-laws also for procreating and keeping the hubs around, and also for always being as good to me as the have, especially momma without whom there are days I would surely lose my bloody mind
7. My sisters who are 2 of the best friends I could ever ask for and just so happen to have the added bonus of being related by blood to
8. the rest of my huge crazy family of which there are just way to many to name but I love each and everyone of you for everything you've ever done and the part you play in my life. You've all made it so much better, or at least more colorful ;-P
9. My friends I may not have a ton of good friends but from those few really good friends I have I gain a ton.
10. My husbands job, because it keeps the bills paid, and decent insurance coverage
11. My home
12.  My annoying puppy who I adore but may drop kick if he chews on one more thing that's not a dog toy, considering the small fortune we've spent in dog toys
13. Mrs. Garza and Mrs. Prunty my sons preschool teacher and my daughters third grade teacher, we were truly blessed this year with two of the best teachers I've ever met. These women really love what they do and it shows, the difference they make everyday in my childrens education is amazing. They inspire me enough that I fully intend to get off my butt and go back to school for a teaching degree
14. Me time when I can actually pull of a few minutes of it
15. Having a car to be able to get around when ever I want
16. Monster energy drinks and coffee to get me through the really rough days
17. The internet and all it's greatness
18. Shoes because I friggin love shoes and I'm thankful that I'm able to have as many as I do and that my husband hasn't murdered me yet for this camera without which I wouldn't be able to terrorize and document every moment of my little moneys lives
20.Music because it's gotten me though so much, when I'm happy, when I'm sad,......... there's always a song for that
21. Good books
22. Family vacations because it's good to just get away and have time for just us, they won't always be little we need to remember to enjoy this time now while we have it.
23. Blank paper and pens because it reminds me there's always a new day, a fresh start I just have to fill it in
24.Being a stay at home mom for the last 8 years, because it gave me the chance to be there for every moment, I don't have any regrets, I don't have any feelings of I missed out. I've been right where I needed and wanted to be and am more thankful for that than many will ever know.
25. The past without it I would not be who I am today. Sure I've struggled, I've been beaten, broken, I've cried, I've lost, I've hurt, and at times I wanted to give up, but I've also loved, felt amazing amounts of joy, been put back together, found strength I never knew was there, laughed, had fun, and lived. Every single moment is a piece of me, a small piece of the jigsaw puzzle that makes Becky and I'm thankful for every one of those pieces simply because they made me.

For all these things and more I am thankful. I hope all of you and your have a very Happy thanksgiving, enjoy your meal but most of all enjoy each other, and let someone know your thankful for them not just today but everyday.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Stupid Endometriosis ~If you had a face I'd punch you~

Ever since I was young I would get these amazingly nasty lower abdominal pains. When I was like 8 or 9 my mom would tell me they were growing pains. I was young and didn't know any better so I went with that explanation. Skip forward a few years and mother nature came a calling that's when it became clear things were a little bit more complicated than growing pains. At 13 years old I would have periods that would last up to 16 or 17 days and were not talking light flow were talking 2 to 3 packs of heavy duty pads each month with cramps so bad I would miss no less than 4 days of school at the beginning of every cycle. Finally after months and months of this it was decided I should probably see the doctor and after and examination and ultrasound it was discovered I had a cyst on my left ovary. It was only the size of a golf ball, so they put me on pain meds and birthcontrol and took a wait and see approach. A month later my next period came and I literally was in so much pain I was crying and had to crawl to the bathroom. So back to the surgeon I go. In that month it had gone from golf ball to soft ball size and had ruptured but not all the way it was only slowly leaking it's poison into my body. Yay. The surgeon sent me to the hospital for immediate surgery for removal, and thus began my journey with reproductive misery.

That first surgery went well they got the cyst and after healing I was cleared for normal activities, but every month was still hell and that just became the norm for me. I had more cysts over the years never like the first and with the help of meds they were kept under control and pretty much took care of themselves. Then when I was 21 I got pregnant with my daughter. She wasn't planned and I honestly didn't think I could get pregnant since we hadn't used any type of protection for years but she was a happy accident none the less. She ended  up being an emergency c-section, but after healing from her birth the first year was actually pretty easy. I thought I was home free from the horrible periods of the past. Then right after her second birthday I decided to have a little bit of cosmetic surgery done to my upper regions. Everything went well, healed beautifully and was going on with my life. When all of a sudden about 3 months after that surgery the incredible pain from hell came back with a vengeance. Now I was in pain weather it was that time of the month or not. I was literally living in a Vicodin induced haze  because otherwise I couldn't function. Walking hurt, moving hurt, picking up my little girl hurt like hell, not being able to take care of her was killing me though. So doctor visit after doctor visit, test after test every thing was ruled out, a few cysts but not enough to cause the pain that I was having, no cancer, no STD's (thank god), finally my doc decided to do a laperoscopy (sp?)  and tada we have a diagnosis I have Endometriosis. (A diseases my spell check doesn't recognize by the way.) Finally a name to go with the pain, but no great way to fix me. I'm to young for a hysterectomy, especially since I still want more kids, pain killers help but I hate taking them not to mention they don't completely make the pain go away, there's a shot I can get but it may not work and the side effects are pre-mature menopause which I wanted to avoid at the time, so we decided to try getting pregnant again. It took over a year but we did finally conceive and all was well at my 3 month check up, but somewhere between my 3 and 4 month appointments the baby died and at my 4 month check up we found I had what they call a missed miscarriage. I had a D&C the next day and was told to wait 3 months to try again. We waited the 3 months and it took another year but we finally conceived again this time I was able to carry to full term and Nicky was born at exactly 39 weeks by scheduled c-section.

Right after he was born I was put on the 3 month birth control pill hoping that would help control the Endo and for awhile it did. Now 4 years later I'm back to where I started. In pain all the freaking time. A lot of people think I'm exaggerating, I'm sure some think I just like to take drugs, but the fact of the matter is I walk around with no less than mild cramping everyday of my life. I love my husband and have sex with him on regular basis because I know he wants to, but if it were left to me we would have no sex life because I leave the room damn near in tears after every round of love making. Do you have any idea how it feels to have to take pain meds just to be intimate with your spouse? Probably not, but I do.

I went back to the doctor 4 months ago at a loss because I'm friggin exhausted from dealing with this shit, he won't give me the hysterectomy, and I may still want one more rugrat so the doc says there's this shot it's helped 96% of the women who've used it. It'll put you into pre-mature menopause while your on it but afterwards you can still have kids and things should be a lot better. Last week I had my 4th shot. Today I woke up and I can barely walk I hurt so bad. Apparently I'm in that 4% that the shit doesn't work for. I'll go in and get the last two shots in the hopes that by some miracle they'll suddenly start working, But I'm honestly past any real hope. I've lived with this for so long I've come to the conclusion I must have really sucked ass in a past life and this is my punishment, to live with this for ever. I can only pray that my baby girl never ever has to deal with this bullshit. I'll tell you one thing if she tells me she has a pain in her lower area I'll be rushing her little butt right to the doctor. You'll never, ever hear me say the words oh it's just growing pains.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Momma ~The best Mother in law Eva~

I know a lot of women get stuck with the mother in law from hell, and for those women I have great sympathy. I however was blessed with an amazing mother in law for whom I am extremely thankful. This woman had been so incredible and helped me and my family get through so much it's mind boggling at times.

My relationship with her has been pretty good since the day Frank and I got together. She welcomed me into her home and family immediately. She always included me in everything from holidays to family pictures, and has always been nothing but supportive of both of us. When I found out I was pregnant with our daughter she was one of the first people we told and she couldn't have been happier. If there was something I needed she would run out and get it in a heartbeat. When it came time for our wedding, there was no arguments she understood it was our wedding and didn't try to tell us how things should be, but if we needed help with something she was one of the first people there helping.

About 6 years ago her and my father in law divorced and after a brief stint in Chicago she ended up moving in with us. I know most women would rather shave their heads than have their mother in law living with them. Not me. She has been a blessing since day 1. She has always helped with the cooking and cleaning, will happily babysit if asked and never ever puts her nose in mine and my husbands business. When my son was born he was one of those babies who never slept for more than an hour at a time, cried all the time always wanted to be held. Was pretty much a mama's boy with a super healthy set of lungs, my mother in law (bless her heart) would come and take him at least a couple hours a night on nights she didn't have to go to work the next day, just so I could get a little bit of sleep.

Now 4 years later and she's still the one I can always count on to help me out with the kids. She still helps regularly with the cooking and cleaning. And to this day has never once tried to tell me how to raise my kids, keep my house or take care of my husband. On top of all that if I have a problem she's always there for me, and if she can help fix it she will. I love my mother in law as much as I love my own mom and am thankful everyday that I was blessed with such an exceptional woman in my life.

Friday, November 5, 2010

The Parentals in my life

Today's I'm thankful for is my parents, like many people in todays society I have more than just a mom and dad. So here's their stories:

I guess you could say I'm from a broken home but I've never really seen it that way. The fact that my parents weren't together when I was growing up truly never bothered me. Call me strange, it wouldn't be the first time.
But the thing is they split before I was born and I have not 1 single memory of them as a couple so maybe that makes it different for me than all the other kids that watched their parents go from married to divorced. Mine were never married and like I said had split up before I joined the world. I didn't see any less of my dad because of this so maybe that's another reason it didn't bother me.

When I was 2 my dad met and about a year later married Cathy. I like to think I helped him rope her in. He use to take me with him to visit her at the shoe store she managed and I was so dang cute she couldn't help but fall in love with both of us. I was the flower girl in their wedding. They eventually went on to have my two beautiful sisters but Cathy always treated me like I was one of her own.

My mom also went on to marry her first husband when I was only about 2. I wasn't at that wedding and I wish she hadn't been either. That husband doesn't need to be talked about at this time because I'm not at all thankful for him. She divorced him when I was 8 and settled down with Mike a.k.a Poppy when I was 9 or 10. They never married but they stayed together until I was about 18. He's the one I'll be talking about here him I'm thankful for.

My dad was great, there are so many more things I want to say about him but really that sums him up. He was fun to be around, he loved to laugh, he had a very strange sense of humor, he could be raunchy, he loved women, he loved cars, he loved computers, he was so smart sometimes it made me feel kind of dumb (he never did that on purpose) he cussed like a sailor, he had a short fuse but was never violent, he loved his kids. My dad left this world way to early and I miss him it's been 13 long years, but just typing these words makes it all feel like yesterday. But no matter how bad the loss continues to hurt I will always be thankful he was my dad, that I had him for those all to short 17 years and knew he loved me. I will always be thankful for the life he gave me, for the things he taught me, for the family I have because of him.

I'm thankful for my step mom Cathy who is a step only in name because she has been there since I was 2 years old,. Because she is the mother of my two amazing sisters and best friends. Because no matter how shitty I was as a teen she still continued to love me and believe in me, because she never turned her back on me. Because now that I have kids she continues to love me and be a wonderful Nana to my babies.

I'm thankful for my crazy ass mom for so many reasons. Because obviously she chose life, yay I'm here. Because even though she didn't always make the right choices she tried to do right by me, because she loved me and no matter what happened I knew that. Because when my daughter was born she tried even harder to make up for her past mistakes. Because she chose my dad to procreate with and that was a pretty damn good choice or at least I think so. Because she chose to keep me rather than hand me over to her parents to raise. Because she has brought some of the most important people in my life into it. She has made plenty of mistakes but at the end of the day I've forgiven and moved on from the things she's done that have hurt me, because she never did any of it intentionally or out of malice they were just that mistakes. Besides I love her and I'm thankful for all the good in her enough to move past the bad that's not who she is, it's just some stupid shit she's done. Haven't we all?

Mike a.k.a Poppy. Of all the parentals in my life I may be most thankful for poppy. Not because I love him best, but because of what he's done for me and because everyday that he's still here is a blessing. Poppy is a diabetic that without the proper guidance doesn't always take the best care of himself. I worry about him constantly. When I say I'm thankful for what he's done for me what I mean is this. My dad died when I was 17 after a very short battle with cancer. I was devastated and I think there's a good chance that had I been left alone I may have sunk into a spiraling pit of depression and done god knows what to myself or with my life. I was a mess, I didn't eat for shit, barely slept, quit talking to friends, didn't want to leave the house except for work. I lost a bunch of weight and when your 5'1 and only weigh 110 losing 5 pounds is bad I lost more. Mike was there for me, he understood we didn't talk a lot but when we did he got it. No one else around me had lost a parent but he had at a much younger age but still it was like we were kindred. I just needed someone to lean on for awhile and though my mom tried to be there I couldn't lean on her I was kind of mad at her for being so alive and healthy with all the dumb shit she had done to her body over the years when my dad was gone and didn't deserve to be. Don't get me wrong I didn't want her dead I just didn't want him dead either. I was sad, and angry and messed up and she would get mad at me because I couldn't pull myself out of the funk I was in and it pissed me off that she just couldn't get it, but poppy he got it and he never got mad at me he understood if I was down that sometimes I just needed a hug or to be left alone. He learned or just knew how to read me, he always knew what I needed and knew what to say and when to say it. So for getting me through some of the darkest days of my life, and being there ever since for some of the happiest like giving me away on my wedding day, and coming to the hospital to see my babies when they were born and continuing to love me and treat me like his own long after him and my moms relationship ended I'll forever and always be thankful for poppy.

There is also Tracy who is more of a friend than a parental she and poppy were married for almost 10 years. They got together after him and my mom split up. I still lived with him at the time and where most women would have had problems with that Trace took it in stride and we became fast friends. She never treated me as anything less than his daughter and I love her for that. She could have royally screwed up our relationship had she wanted to but she's a wonderful person and she saw a family and didn't want anything more than to be apart of it. And for the years they were together that's exactly what we were. Now even though they are divorced Tracy is still very much a part of my life. I may not see her as often as I'd like but I love her and am thankful for her just the same.Because I know if I need her she'll always be there.

So those are my parents in a crazy little nutshell. I love all of them with all of my heart and wouldn't change any of them for the world. The only change I would make if I could cross my arms and pop my pony tail like genie is that my dad would have never gotten sick and would still be here. But as for the rest I'm thankful everyday for these wonderful people in my life because without them I wouldn't be the Becky I am today.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Novembers list of thankfulness day 4

And today I'm thankful for my house which is totally a home. But not so thankful for my bloodsucking mortgage company.

We've lived in our house for 9 years and in those years we've made it our home a little more each day. From painting, to new carpet to adding a munchkin here and there. It's by no means a palace but it's a nice house, and we've made it better if I do say so myself. Which I do.

It's not really big enough for us, but it gets the job done and as long as we don't add anymore munchkins were not exactly cramped. The yard could be bigger, but at least we have a yard. It could use a new roof but at least the one we have doesn't leak, the a/c works in the summer, the heat works in the winter (well usually, every other year we end up having the heater guy come out to change a $30 part). All in all it has been a great starter home for our family and I'm thankful that we were able to buy it 9 years ago and hang onto it with the economy the way it's been.

When so many have lost their homes I can only be thankful we still have ours. We haven't had to deal with the heartache and displacement of our family. There were times we weren't so sure we would be able to make it and my heart goes out to those who have dealt with foreclosure and job losses.

Now as thankful as I am for my home, I am not at all thankful for my mortgage company who I am now 100% convinced is the devil. BofA has got to be one of the worst banks I've ever dealt with, and my advice to anyone looking for a mortgage stay away from them. I could give you a whole laundry list of reasons they suck major male appendages but this is my thankful list so maybe another day I'll devote a whole blog to the evils of this particular bank.

Until then I'm just thankful I have a house for my kids with a roof over their heads and heat to keep them warm.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Frank ~A.K.A The Husband~

Carrying on with my November list of thankful is why I'm thankful for Frank also known as "The Husband".

I'm thankful for this man for so many reasons, let me count the ways.....

I started to tell the story of how we met and made it to where we are today but in all honestly that would be a freaking novel. So let me just give the basics. I've been with Frank for almost 13 years and married 8 and a half. I know it sounds so cliche but I truly believe he's my soul mate.

We have 2 beautiful children our daughter is 8 almost 9. We had been together over 3 years when I found out I was pregnant with her, we lived with his parents at the time.We had been looking for a house for awhile but the minute we found out about her we doubled our efforts to find a home of our own. I knew I didn't want to have our child while living in his parents basement and Frank did anything and everything he could to make sure I didn't have to. 2 months before she was born we signed the papers and moved into our new place. During  my pregnancy I had a few complications and he was always right there taking care of me. When the day came and I went into labor he was right there with me every second in the hospital, even though he was on midnights at the time and hadn't slept he stayed with me, and when it turned into an emergency c-section it was him that was next to me in that operating room. Never leaving my side till he knew both myself and our daughter were ok, then he only left long enough to catch a couple hours of sleep, take a shower and bring me back my bag of stuff. When we came home a few days later he took care of both of us and he took to being a father like he was born for just that job.

Two years later when I was diagnosed with endometriosis after months of pain he was the one who helped me on my bad days. When the doctor told me if we wanted more kids we needed to start trying asap he was ready to step up to the plate and when month after month it didn't happen he was the one who got me through it and helped me keep my sanity. After almost a year of trying we found out we were finally pregnant and both of us were ecstatic. Everything was going well at my 3 month check up then at my 4 month check up there was no heart beat, I had what they call a missed miscarriage. I was crushed, I know he was too, but he kept it together and got me through the D&C the next day and managed to keep me from diving head first into the pit of despair I was feeling. Without him I never could have survived that or the next 2 years that followed. After the miscarriage and the 3 months of healing I was ok'd to try again it took another year before I got pregnant and this time I made it the whole 9 months and after a scheduled cesarean I had a beautiful baby boy who is just shy of 4 years old today.

Frank has turned out to be one of the most amazing fathers a woman could ever want for her children. He doesn't go out with the boys, he doesn't waste money, he isn't a drinker. He's just a great guy who loves his kids and wants nothing more than to spend every free moment with them.

When it comes to me I'd swear the man is damn near a saint to put up with my crazy ass, I'm by far not the easiest person on earth to deal with. I've done some completely shitty and retarded things since we've been together, and it seems like I make the same stupid mistakes over, and over. But this man loves me enough to stay by my side and keep having faith in me that I'll get it right this time.

So for all these things and so many, many more I'm thankful for Frank the love of my life.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Novembers list of thankfulness day 2

Yesterdays post about my beloved sisters will count as day one since I technically forgot I wanted to do this little experiment for the whole month and see if I could actually fill up 20 something days with the things I am thankful for. So obviously I am extremely thankful for my sisters who are also 2 of my bestest ( I know not a word, I so don't care grammar police) friends in the whole world.

Todays I'm thankful for is my to beautiful, wonderful, sometimes wild ass, crazy, little monkeys. I love, love, love my kids more than any words can ever truly express. My daughter who is 8 going on 18 (some days), is seriously the most abnormally we behaved child I've ever seen. I have no idea where it comes from, sure from time to time she has a sassy little mouth on her but besides that she really is just a great kid. She helps with her brother, she loves hanging out with us as a family, she likes to read, and she eats her veggies without complaint, usually. Her one down fall, she's a slob. Ask her to clean her room and you might as well be talking to a brick wall. The one true battle we have is always about cleaning, especially her room.

My son who will be 4 a couple days after Thanksgiving is the polar opposite of his sister. Everythings a battle with this child. To get him to do anything you want him to do reverse psychology must be employed or forget about it. He totally inherited his daddy's hard headed Italian side. But even when he's fighting with me I can't help but want to grab him up and give his cute lil cheeks big squishy kisses.  Big brown eyes, pouty lower lip and the cutest cheeks on earth I tell ya. He can melt ya in like a minute flat.

I'm thankful for both these little monkeys of mine for so many reasons. Calee because she came along at a time in my life when I needed a kick in the butt to make me realize it was time to settle down, put some roots down, and grow up. She made me a better person then and everyday since I found out she existed. Nicky because he has taught me so much about patience and how to control my temper when dealing with his, but mostly just that he is here. Because where Calee was a happy surprise for us Nicky was a conscious decision that took over 2 years of trying with lots of disappointments, one very serious and heartbreaking loss and a lot of tears and soul searching to get to. Because of those years I'm more understanding of what a miracle each of them really is and even more thankful for them than had I never experienced that loss. So ya I'm eternally thankful for my beautiful babies.

Monday, November 1, 2010

~Sisters~ My best friends by birth and choice

Over the last 30 years many people have come and gone from my life. Some have been amazing and some I was grateful when they departed and moved on to the next one. Some of the most amazing have continued to linger, those ones make me happy and have been there for me when I needed them and I've been there for them.

But 2 of the most amazing wonderful women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing entered my life 22 years and 20 years ago. On June 30th 1988 my beautiful, crazy,full of life little sister Mel was born. Little did I know the day she and I were first introduced how much more than just a baby sister she would one day be to me. Then a little less than 2 years later February 2, 1990 to be exact my Megs was born and I remember that day like it was yesterday.I was over joyed when I got to meet this cute, chubby pink bundle that was our new baby sister.

I was the oldest and growing up there were times they drove me absolutely bat shit crazy, but that's what little sisters are for right. To get into your room and tear up your stuff, mess with your make up and spy on you so they can run back and scream at the top of their lungs "Daddy, daddy Becky's kissing a boy"(yes that happened) But those are all trivial little kid things that you learn to expect and get through. Besides I'm sure if you ask them they have stories of me embarrassing them.

Where I'm going with this is how important these sisters of mine are today. When I was 17 we lost our father after a very short battle with cancer. At the time I lived with my mom and they lived with theirs. But my step mom had been a part of my life since I was 2 and aside from my rebellious teen bs we were close, so seeing my sisters and having them in my life was never an issue. I still got to watch them grow up, we still had holidays together, when my daughter was born mom and Megs were both at the hospital to see us and both the girls stood up in my wedding that summer. The loss of our father may have made us hold onto each other a little tighter I don't really know but we became very close. Each in our own way. My relationship with Mel is completely different than the one I have with Meg but don't ever ask me to pick a favorite I'd rather punch you in the face. I love them both equally, just for who they are.

Today Mel is 22 and a hard working college student, when she's not at school she's at work, and when she's not doing one of the first 2 she's helping one of us. She will do just about anything for those of us she love's I know cause shes been here helping me throw my kids crazy Halloween party all week. She can be abrasive and hard to handle, but she's also one of the most honest, caring, and loving people I know. If I need her she's right there in a second no questions asked, she's the keeper of my secrets, the helper of all my crazy family get togethers, and one of the best friends I've ever had. I love her with all my heart and know no matter what happens in life she'll never turn her back on me.

Meg is 20 now and a mother herself to my amazingly beautiful nephew Hunter. She works and takes care of her now on the move almost 7 month old son and like Mel when she's not busy with her own life she's busy with the rest of ours. She's hit a bit of a rough patch in her personal life (which I won't get into as that's her story to tell) but she never lets her own problems keep her from being there for me and my kids. She's seriously has a heart of pure gold and I think I may one day have to commit a felony because someone is breaking that precious heart. Like Mel, Meg and I have our secrets and I know if it came down to it this wonderful woman would take a bullet for me.(Not that I would let her, my nephew needs her) but just knowing I have the kind of love and devotion get from her is enough to make me feel amazing.

My life not all sunshine and roses, like anyones really is but with sisters like mine who turned out to not just be family but some of the truest,closest friends I've ever had I can defiantly see the rainbow after the storm. I love these ladies with all my heart and soul and next to my own children and husband they are the most important people in my life. I thank god every day for placing these two angels in my life. They truly are my sisters by birth and friends by choice, and I couldn't ask for better.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Adventures in preschool parent helper land

Today was an exciting day for my son, his very first classroom party. And a Halloween party at that. We've been ready for this all week, costume ready to go, home made chocolate suckers to pass out to all his little friends it was all good in the hood. Only bummer was that there were already about 5 parents signed up to be classroom helpers and adding one more was just to much so I was a little saddened that I wouldn't be able to be apart of his class celebration but I would at least be able to go up and see all of the little ones as they paraded around the school in their spooktacular finery.

So we got him all dressed up as Count Dominic (my little vampire) and off to school we went. When we got there it seemed like a lot of kids were there  but a few adults were missing. So I asked the teacher if she needed any extra parent helpers or if she was still expecting a couple more people. While I'm talking to her one of the dads that volunteered drops his daughter off and proceeds to say he's not staying, he doesn't have anything else to do he just doesn't feel like it. I'm literally ready to smack this man in the head. Does he not realize how precious these years are and how much it means to our little ones to see us show an interest in things like this. So off he goes and the poor teacher is just standing there flabbergasted,she says well yes looks like I really do need you. I of course hadn't expected to be staying so I was pretty much in pj's and still had to grab my daughter who starts school a half hour after my son and needed to be dropped off. I now have to speed racer it home dress, and drop her in record setting time and get back to my sons class before sixteen 3 and 4 year olds on sugar highs over run the place. I managed this admirably well if I do say so, which I do.

For the next two hours I played games, sang songs, and fed what could probably be deemed as illegal amounts of sugar to these adorable kids. We made wicked witch hands with plastic gloves, candy corn and popcorn, ate cupcakes and drank juice (well I had pepsi)  and at the end of the day we paraded through the school for the big kids to see us and then outside for all the parents who couldn't or wouldn't sign up to be helpers the kids also put on a little sing along for everyone with all the Halloween songs they learned this week. I loved every minute of it and so did they. 

As annoyed with that dad as I was for his lack of interest in his own child, I have to admit for my own selfish reasons I'm kind of glad he bailed because it gave me another chance to be there with mine as well as all the other little munchkins.It's such a rewarding experience to be in that classroom with those kids and watch them learning and growing. They're only little for so long and I for one am going to eat up every single moment of it, and if I catch you slipping I'll eat up your moments to.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Prince Dominic

I was picking my son up from preschool the other day, when I got there the kids were still outside for recess so myself and several other parents were standing there watching the kids play, when another little girls mom comes up and says your Dominics mom right? Now we had been talking on the hayride at the field trip the previous week, so I knew she knew I was. Now I'm wondering great what did my kid do to your kid when just last week you were telling me how your daughter came home talking about making friends with my son. So I answer yes, quietly waiting for the bomb to drop. One can never know what to expect when it comes to my son, so you can imagine my surprise and delight when Allies mom says to me " Allie comes home talking about Dominic every day, she told me and her dad that she really likes him and he looks just like a Prince". How freaking adorable my almost four year old already has the ladies after him. Allies mom went on to tell me that Allie had never said anyone besides her dad looked like a prince before, that made it even more special. My boy is her first crush. I almost feel bad for this beautiful little girl that he's totally going to break her heart. As he's actually a little disturbed by this new found attention. But I can't help but be a proud mama that my lil man is attracting this kind of attention, at least for now while it's still cute and innocent. In a couple years when he actually is returning the attention I might feel a little bit differently.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Just like mother~Pretty much~

Ever since I was a little girl I've been told by one person or another "Oh you look just like you mother", or "You remind me so much of your mom" 

When I was 5 I loved it because my mom was my hero, by time I was 15 it drove me insane ( not that my mom wasn't a beautiful woman) but she has some issues (I won't go into further detail on the issues but there were things that went on in our lives that made life a lot more difficult) and I just wanted to be my own person. So at 15 I started dying my hair blonde (hers is dark aurburn) and doing just about anything to distinguish myself as different. Different hair, clothes, make up, and I would go out of my way to change mannerisms that were similar. If someone said oh my you sound just like your mom when you say that I'd make sure I'd never say that again. When someone said how much I looked like her I would say no it's just this one feature, we share similar cheek bones, but the rest is more like my dad. This has gone on for years.

A few days ago a finally had a grown up moment an realized I'm pretty much just like my mother. Not her twin in looks or actions but I am her daughter and I do look and act like her in more ways than I ever wanted to admit. I'm finally ok with this because I realized that although my mother has caused some serious heartache in my life none of it was ever intentional. She always loved me and even though she has problems some of which I picked up over the years, and many of which have adversely affected my life she never meant any harm. She went into the role of motherhood with good intentions, so she stumbled and fell along the way. What mother can say she has gone into this position and done it perfectly? I went into it saying I'd never make the same mistakes as my mother or many of my friends mothers. Can I say I've succeeded? For the most part yes because I learned from the mistakes made by the women that came before me, but even I have fallen into some of those potholes along the way and it's a long, long road I have left to travel I'm sure I'll trip and fall a few dozen more times. Will I hurt my children at some point I'm sure, not on purpose but this role we take on the day we deliver these bundles of joy doesn't come with a manual.

 It took having my own family, being treated ridiculously badly by people who (also happen to be family members)  claim to be good Christians and 30 years to come full circle to realize that I'm completely ok with being just like my mom~pretty much.   

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Karma always get's the last laugh

For years I've always said karma is a great thing, and I'll admit even taken pleasure in watching people get whats coming to them, good or bad. This morning it showed it's wonderful self yet again.

I have these family members (and I use the term family members loosely) that have caused nothing but drama, stress, and heartache for myself and numerous others that are dear to me for years. For the last year and a half  I have  watched as their immediate family has slowly crumbled all by their own doing.

See they have 4 daughters 3 of whom I've become very close to and probably always would have been if they would have encouraged it the way normal families do, instead of doing everything in their power to keep us all apart and make me out to be a monster. The oldest daughter defected a few years ago, and after a short time her and I found our way back to each other and formed a relationship that is pretty much unbreakable. About 2 years ago I reached out to the second oldest (who at one time was a very sweet person) and was rebuffed in a pretty venomous way. After that I pretty much gave up hope for the other 2. Untill about 6 months later  when one after the other they both chose to leave that part of their family. I never encouraged this, but I can't say after learning about the way they were treated I blame them. We all got to know each other and truly became a family. Sadly their parents and one sibling are not a part of this, that was the choice they made by treating all of us so badly for so long.

Although you'd think that losing 3 daughters out of 4 would be a big enough Karmic kick in the butt to wake someone up and realize maybe I've messed up somewhere, nope they continued to bad mouth everyone and went as far as to tell people the daughters were bad. The sister that was left even went along with this, and they all continued to blame everyone else for all the problems that have befallen their family.

Then this morning after all the nastiness the final coup, that one daughter  they have left has ended up pregnant before marriage!

So what you may say, and I agree it happens. Heck it happened to me. But there's where karma comes in. For 1. they are very religious and are very much against sex before marriage and for 2. when I was 21 I found I was pregnant with my first child, by my then boyfriend of 3 years. The father of this unmarried pregnant girl went around telling anyone who would listen I purposely got pregnant to trap the father in marriage. Not the case, although we did end up married a few months after our beautiful little girl was born and are still happily married with another child 9 years later.

Now his daughter is pregnant and hurrying down the aisle to alter before her child is born, less than a year after being with the father. Do I believe she's trying to trap the father into marriage? I have no idea but I'm surely not going to run around telling people that even if I did think it. Do I think she's committed a sin by becoming pregnant before marriage? No I don't but I know her parents do, and wonder if they are going to treat her as shabbily as the treated me?

These people have judged me and everyone else for as long as I can remember believing themselves better than everyone, holding their religion and righteousness above all of us and now look where Karma has left them. Does all that holier than thou keep them warm and cozy at night?