Saturday, October 23, 2010

Just like mother~Pretty much~

Ever since I was a little girl I've been told by one person or another "Oh you look just like you mother", or "You remind me so much of your mom" 

When I was 5 I loved it because my mom was my hero, by time I was 15 it drove me insane ( not that my mom wasn't a beautiful woman) but she has some issues (I won't go into further detail on the issues but there were things that went on in our lives that made life a lot more difficult) and I just wanted to be my own person. So at 15 I started dying my hair blonde (hers is dark aurburn) and doing just about anything to distinguish myself as different. Different hair, clothes, make up, and I would go out of my way to change mannerisms that were similar. If someone said oh my you sound just like your mom when you say that I'd make sure I'd never say that again. When someone said how much I looked like her I would say no it's just this one feature, we share similar cheek bones, but the rest is more like my dad. This has gone on for years.

A few days ago a finally had a grown up moment an realized I'm pretty much just like my mother. Not her twin in looks or actions but I am her daughter and I do look and act like her in more ways than I ever wanted to admit. I'm finally ok with this because I realized that although my mother has caused some serious heartache in my life none of it was ever intentional. She always loved me and even though she has problems some of which I picked up over the years, and many of which have adversely affected my life she never meant any harm. She went into the role of motherhood with good intentions, so she stumbled and fell along the way. What mother can say she has gone into this position and done it perfectly? I went into it saying I'd never make the same mistakes as my mother or many of my friends mothers. Can I say I've succeeded? For the most part yes because I learned from the mistakes made by the women that came before me, but even I have fallen into some of those potholes along the way and it's a long, long road I have left to travel I'm sure I'll trip and fall a few dozen more times. Will I hurt my children at some point I'm sure, not on purpose but this role we take on the day we deliver these bundles of joy doesn't come with a manual.

 It took having my own family, being treated ridiculously badly by people who (also happen to be family members)  claim to be good Christians and 30 years to come full circle to realize that I'm completely ok with being just like my mom~pretty much.   

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