Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I'm an Idiot Just ask my husband

After almost 9 years of marriage I still constantly get it wrong. I think I'm doing the right thing and I'm not, or I think I did something that's going to make him mad and again I'm surprised because I was wrong.

Over the years a constant argument in our house has been finances. As with many couples I'm sure. I've always been the one responsible for doing the banking and making sure everything gets paid on time. On more than one occasion I have totally and completely screwed said bills 10 ways to hell, then lied my ass off about it. It would start out small then snowball out of control until many of them were so far behind I couldn't see straight. Then I would finally fess up to the hubs and we would figure it all out together get everything back on track and then I would somehow be back in charge of everything.

This cycle has repeated itself numerous times over the years always with the same results. I tearfully admit my screwups and wrong doing, he yells and stays mad for a day or two then we fix it and move on. Always with me back at the helm of the money ship. The last time this occurred he promised to take charge so that he could see for himself where things tended to go wrong and also so there was no need to hold me responsible. This way we could take the biggest issue in our marriage out. However his taking charge lasted all of 5 minutes and I had to take care of things or none of the bills would have gotten paid.

This time around things have actually gone pretty well. I may have paid things late here and there but almost always within the month they were due just not necessarily on the actual due date. The only thing I did wrong in my eyes was he didn't want the savings account touched and I was having to dip into it here and there especially with the boys birthday and Christmas. But when he started asking questions about how much was in said account I wouldn't answer because I was positive another fight was on the horizon.

So instead of being an adult and just telling him listen this is what's what I beat around the bush, ignored him, changed the subject and did just about anything I could to avoid the answer. Until today. Today he said to me there isn't a savings account anymore is there? And I knew I had pretty much ruined all the trust that was left and the one man whos opinion of me that mattered was such shit that I can't even face it, that I finally threw the number in the account at him and told him if he wanted to fight about it fine lets do this. To which he replied thats ok I'm not mad at that, just the games you play.

So now I feel like the biggest douche on earth and I don't even know if I can fix the damage I've done yet again to my marriage. I probably don't deserve this man anyway. Hopefully somehow, someway he can find it in himself to forgive me yet one more time for being the basket case that I am. But I wouldn't be surprised or blame him if he didn't

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