Thursday, December 30, 2010

2011 It's a New Year and a New Me (Maybe)

 Every year around this time we all sit around and make all the grand new years resolutions. I never really make them because I never ever keep them. By January 2nd at the latest I've already broken mine. So this year instead of making a resolution to quit smoking, or lose x amount of pounds, I've decided I'm going to work on just being a better me. Or really just work on being me again.

See almost 9 years ago I gave birth to this amazing little girl who calls me mommy and I got this great new job of taking care of her, then I married her dad and a few years later I gave birth to her little brother. I love this job of being a wife and mother to these beautiful crazy kids of mine, and taking care of my wonderful husband and our house and even the annoying chewing wonder that is our dog. But somewhere along the journey I started to lose me. I never intended to stop being Becky, but in the craziness that is our day to day life I guess Becky stopped being quite so important and her wants and needs started taking a back seat to everyone elses, and lately I've noticed something is not all together right. I'm not happy, I'm not unhappy with my husband or kids I love them all dearly I'm just not happy with myself. I feel less than. There's really no other way to put it.

I realized Becky needs to come back and take her rightful place back in the drivers seat. It's time she started having a little bit more attention because even though I'll always be their mom, one day they won't need me to be there holding their hands for them constantly and then what am I going to have? I need something for me.

I've decided it's time for me to go back to school, so I will go see that academic adviser and get started working toward my teaching degree. I will also start working on being  healthier not so much to lose weight or quit smoking, if either of those things happen great but that's not the ultimate goal. Just being more conscious of how I eat and take care of myself is the point. I'll also make it a point to go out once in awhile with my friends for me not just for playdates with the kids. Playdates are great and I love the parents of my kids friends hell most of them are the ones I plan to go out with it's just sometimes we need to get out without the kids.

So while 2011 may be the year of Rabbit in the Chinese calendar for me it's the year of Becky. This may not be all together easy considering all the things my kids are involved in, but really the whole point is just to make a little extra effort for myself. So instead of cleaning the kitchen every night after they go to bed some nights I may just take a nice long hot bath or read a book (an adult book that doesn't include a running Gingerbread man).

I'll keep being mom and the hubs wife I'm hoping I'll just be a happier version of her because I found the Becky that got lost along the way.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I'm an Idiot Just ask my husband

After almost 9 years of marriage I still constantly get it wrong. I think I'm doing the right thing and I'm not, or I think I did something that's going to make him mad and again I'm surprised because I was wrong.

Over the years a constant argument in our house has been finances. As with many couples I'm sure. I've always been the one responsible for doing the banking and making sure everything gets paid on time. On more than one occasion I have totally and completely screwed said bills 10 ways to hell, then lied my ass off about it. It would start out small then snowball out of control until many of them were so far behind I couldn't see straight. Then I would finally fess up to the hubs and we would figure it all out together get everything back on track and then I would somehow be back in charge of everything.

This cycle has repeated itself numerous times over the years always with the same results. I tearfully admit my screwups and wrong doing, he yells and stays mad for a day or two then we fix it and move on. Always with me back at the helm of the money ship. The last time this occurred he promised to take charge so that he could see for himself where things tended to go wrong and also so there was no need to hold me responsible. This way we could take the biggest issue in our marriage out. However his taking charge lasted all of 5 minutes and I had to take care of things or none of the bills would have gotten paid.

This time around things have actually gone pretty well. I may have paid things late here and there but almost always within the month they were due just not necessarily on the actual due date. The only thing I did wrong in my eyes was he didn't want the savings account touched and I was having to dip into it here and there especially with the boys birthday and Christmas. But when he started asking questions about how much was in said account I wouldn't answer because I was positive another fight was on the horizon.

So instead of being an adult and just telling him listen this is what's what I beat around the bush, ignored him, changed the subject and did just about anything I could to avoid the answer. Until today. Today he said to me there isn't a savings account anymore is there? And I knew I had pretty much ruined all the trust that was left and the one man whos opinion of me that mattered was such shit that I can't even face it, that I finally threw the number in the account at him and told him if he wanted to fight about it fine lets do this. To which he replied thats ok I'm not mad at that, just the games you play.

So now I feel like the biggest douche on earth and I don't even know if I can fix the damage I've done yet again to my marriage. I probably don't deserve this man anyway. Hopefully somehow, someway he can find it in himself to forgive me yet one more time for being the basket case that I am. But I wouldn't be surprised or blame him if he didn't

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Christmas 2010 really was merry and bright

Every year since the girl was about 2 we've hosted Christmas eve dinner at our house. It's a several hour affair, so we give a start time about an hour before dinner and we know  guests will come and go throughout the evening. No one is expected to show at a certain time and stay till a certain time it's all fairly informal.  We do this for 2 reasons 1) so we don't have to drag our children to see everyone that wants to see them 2) so on Christmas morning after they open their gifts they can stay in their pjs and actually play with all their new booty.

This year was no different we invited everyone who mattered in our lives to join us on Christmas eve in our home and most of them did. Of course not everyone is able to make it, some people have their own plans and family obligations to tend to and we understand that. We miss those that aren't able to make it and wish they could have joined us but we get it.

This year was really no different than any other a few different faces some regulars weren't able to make it and some people who don't regularly make it did. All in all it was a success. I enjoyed spending time with each and every person who came my only regret is that I never seem to have enough time for each person. I have to spread myself out so I can chat with everyone and I always feel like I could have spent a little more quality time with each of them but that's part of life I guess. I hope that everyone that came enjoyed themselves as much as we did, as I said if you were invited to be here with us you matter and we love you.

There are a couple things that could have made our Christmas Eve tradition a little bit more perfect, like having my mom here with us. I know me and the kids missed her, especially me and the girl. The girl has this really strong bond with her grammy and she misses her on regular days but things like Christmas when your supposed to have all your family around well that gets her a little bit. And well even at 30 I'm a little bit of a mamas girl and I've been going through some emotional crap lately and I'm really missing my mom so it would have been really perfect if she could have been here. But she couldn't get away from work, so she's 1070 mile away in sunny Florida celebrating with my grandpa and great gram but she better have her bony butt up here next year or I might have to fly down there and drag her up myself.

So after the Christmas eve festivities Christmas morning was of course chaotic with the 2 munchkins opening all their presents. It started at 8a.m. and by 8:06a.m. wrapping paper was flying through the air. Lots of giggling and smiling ensued. I had 2 very happy little ones on my hands. By 9 everything had been opened and the kids were ready to get down to the business of playing. Which as all the parents out there know is where the migraine comes in, getting all those fun toys out of the packages. I swear most of what we pay for isn't the toy but all the crap they use to keep the damn thing in the box.

So all in all my bank account is smarting but other than that Christmas turned out to be pretty merry and bright after all. There were moments when I wasn't sure it would be, but I fought my butt off and in the end it was all worth it for the smiles on my babies faces, and the time spent with all the people who matter in my life.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Christmas presents ~I might be in hell~

I love Christmas or at least I usually do but something is just off with me this year. Money isn't exactly growing on trees and that is rather suckish since I really like to give gifts, but I had pretty much reconciled myself with the fact that really only my kids, the hubs and a small handful of people would be receiving this year. To be honest I was ok with this, a little less stress trying to find the perfect gift for everyone anyway.

Besides there's always the Christmas cookies to hand out. You know the ones that start being baked like 3 weeks in advance so there's enough for oh a small army. But somehow even that isn't going as planned, and every time I turn around I'm hearing how someone else I had no intentions of buying for is not only buying for my children but for myself and the hubs as well. So of course now I feel like totally obligated to get them something more than just cookies. Cookies which by the way I'm 4 days away from a ton of people coming over for Christmas eve dinner and I haven't baked a single one.

On top of all that every time I think I'm finally done going to the store to buy my kids and hubs or one of the 100 other people that somehow made it on to my gift list, I realize oh no there's still this and that that's been forgotten. Like the gift certificate for someone who was actually on the original to buy for list or the stocking stuffers for my husband. I'm so out of it I almost forgot to buy my own mother a present, thank the good lord for ship direct with priority shipping. I'm  also pretty sure at this point my bank account is running on fumes and all my creative bill paying and shuffling is still not going to work out in the end.

My worst fear though  is someone is going to walk away from my house feeling bad because I forgot to get them a gift, or what ever I did give them was rather suckish. So tomorrow I will make one last friggin trip out into the madness that is last minute holiday shopping hell and hope that I don't forget anything else, cause if I do oh fucking well it's just to bad. Here's a bucket of cookies (hopefully I've come up with the energy to bake the damn things) eat a couple and be merry! Ho Ho fucking Ho!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

People really buy this stuff~ The odd, the interesting, and the ridiculous



Hold Everything!  

World-renowned industrial designer Naoto Fukasawa has turned the humble throwaway envelope into a durable, all-purpose receptacle you can use again and again. Fukasawa's creation is made of "Soft Naoron," material developed of wood pulp and polyolefin by Japanese paper manufacturer ONAO. It's flexible, water-resistant and tear-proof, so the envelope is sturdy enough to hold up to 22 pounds and can even safely hold wet objects. Destined to become an essential item for anyone committed to a more sustainable, less disposable way of living. Each piece is individually crafted. Handmade in Japan. 

 $46.00 for an friggin envelope are you kidding me, unless that thing is going to start reproducing money inside itself for me I don't care how many times I can reuse it, it's not worth that kind of money.



In Today's Finance Section...

Finances are not a laughing matter. Well, unless your wallet is covered in comics. Made from recycled newspaper funnies and soft, durable, water-resistant laminate this fun wallet will make you smile even when you're shelling out the cash. And for those who are a bit more serious about banking (but not that serious) the news wallet will be perfect reading material for all those presidents you keep in the dark. Features large pocket for bills and four smaller pockets for cards. Handmade in Los Angeles. Available in comic section (shown at left) or news section (shown at right). Due to the recycled nature of this item, each is one of a kind.

Now this is actually a pretty cool twist on the whole reduce, reuse, recycle mantra.

Vending Fridge - Blue

Now this little gem I need someone to share with the hubs I want one for the bedroom