Wednesday, November 24, 2010

What I'm thankful for-Screw it here's a list

So I had this grand plan of blogging everyday this month about one thing I was thankful for. Didn't quite work out, because well I'm the queen of grand plans and the master of sucking at the follow through. I couldn't even post a Facebook status everyday. (Rolling eyes at myself, I'm so ridiculous sometimes). So anyway I figured I am an excellent list maker hell I'll make a master list of list's that's how much I love lists. I know a little anal. So without further ado.I'm thankful for

1. My beautiful, healthy children
2. My amazing husband who may be certifiable for putting up with me
3. My parents for choosing to procreate and keeping me around, and for being pretty rocking most of the time
4. Mom L. for never acting like a step
5.Poppy for helping me keep the pieces together when I thought I was about to shatter
6. My in-laws also for procreating and keeping the hubs around, and also for always being as good to me as the have, especially momma without whom there are days I would surely lose my bloody mind
7. My sisters who are 2 of the best friends I could ever ask for and just so happen to have the added bonus of being related by blood to
8. the rest of my huge crazy family of which there are just way to many to name but I love each and everyone of you for everything you've ever done and the part you play in my life. You've all made it so much better, or at least more colorful ;-P
9. My friends I may not have a ton of good friends but from those few really good friends I have I gain a ton.
10. My husbands job, because it keeps the bills paid, and decent insurance coverage
11. My home
12.  My annoying puppy who I adore but may drop kick if he chews on one more thing that's not a dog toy, considering the small fortune we've spent in dog toys
13. Mrs. Garza and Mrs. Prunty my sons preschool teacher and my daughters third grade teacher, we were truly blessed this year with two of the best teachers I've ever met. These women really love what they do and it shows, the difference they make everyday in my childrens education is amazing. They inspire me enough that I fully intend to get off my butt and go back to school for a teaching degree
14. Me time when I can actually pull of a few minutes of it
15. Having a car to be able to get around when ever I want
16. Monster energy drinks and coffee to get me through the really rough days
17. The internet and all it's greatness
18. Shoes because I friggin love shoes and I'm thankful that I'm able to have as many as I do and that my husband hasn't murdered me yet for this camera without which I wouldn't be able to terrorize and document every moment of my little moneys lives
20.Music because it's gotten me though so much, when I'm happy, when I'm sad,......... there's always a song for that
21. Good books
22. Family vacations because it's good to just get away and have time for just us, they won't always be little we need to remember to enjoy this time now while we have it.
23. Blank paper and pens because it reminds me there's always a new day, a fresh start I just have to fill it in
24.Being a stay at home mom for the last 8 years, because it gave me the chance to be there for every moment, I don't have any regrets, I don't have any feelings of I missed out. I've been right where I needed and wanted to be and am more thankful for that than many will ever know.
25. The past without it I would not be who I am today. Sure I've struggled, I've been beaten, broken, I've cried, I've lost, I've hurt, and at times I wanted to give up, but I've also loved, felt amazing amounts of joy, been put back together, found strength I never knew was there, laughed, had fun, and lived. Every single moment is a piece of me, a small piece of the jigsaw puzzle that makes Becky and I'm thankful for every one of those pieces simply because they made me.

For all these things and more I am thankful. I hope all of you and your have a very Happy thanksgiving, enjoy your meal but most of all enjoy each other, and let someone know your thankful for them not just today but everyday.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Stupid Endometriosis ~If you had a face I'd punch you~

Ever since I was young I would get these amazingly nasty lower abdominal pains. When I was like 8 or 9 my mom would tell me they were growing pains. I was young and didn't know any better so I went with that explanation. Skip forward a few years and mother nature came a calling that's when it became clear things were a little bit more complicated than growing pains. At 13 years old I would have periods that would last up to 16 or 17 days and were not talking light flow were talking 2 to 3 packs of heavy duty pads each month with cramps so bad I would miss no less than 4 days of school at the beginning of every cycle. Finally after months and months of this it was decided I should probably see the doctor and after and examination and ultrasound it was discovered I had a cyst on my left ovary. It was only the size of a golf ball, so they put me on pain meds and birthcontrol and took a wait and see approach. A month later my next period came and I literally was in so much pain I was crying and had to crawl to the bathroom. So back to the surgeon I go. In that month it had gone from golf ball to soft ball size and had ruptured but not all the way it was only slowly leaking it's poison into my body. Yay. The surgeon sent me to the hospital for immediate surgery for removal, and thus began my journey with reproductive misery.

That first surgery went well they got the cyst and after healing I was cleared for normal activities, but every month was still hell and that just became the norm for me. I had more cysts over the years never like the first and with the help of meds they were kept under control and pretty much took care of themselves. Then when I was 21 I got pregnant with my daughter. She wasn't planned and I honestly didn't think I could get pregnant since we hadn't used any type of protection for years but she was a happy accident none the less. She ended  up being an emergency c-section, but after healing from her birth the first year was actually pretty easy. I thought I was home free from the horrible periods of the past. Then right after her second birthday I decided to have a little bit of cosmetic surgery done to my upper regions. Everything went well, healed beautifully and was going on with my life. When all of a sudden about 3 months after that surgery the incredible pain from hell came back with a vengeance. Now I was in pain weather it was that time of the month or not. I was literally living in a Vicodin induced haze  because otherwise I couldn't function. Walking hurt, moving hurt, picking up my little girl hurt like hell, not being able to take care of her was killing me though. So doctor visit after doctor visit, test after test every thing was ruled out, a few cysts but not enough to cause the pain that I was having, no cancer, no STD's (thank god), finally my doc decided to do a laperoscopy (sp?)  and tada we have a diagnosis I have Endometriosis. (A diseases my spell check doesn't recognize by the way.) Finally a name to go with the pain, but no great way to fix me. I'm to young for a hysterectomy, especially since I still want more kids, pain killers help but I hate taking them not to mention they don't completely make the pain go away, there's a shot I can get but it may not work and the side effects are pre-mature menopause which I wanted to avoid at the time, so we decided to try getting pregnant again. It took over a year but we did finally conceive and all was well at my 3 month check up, but somewhere between my 3 and 4 month appointments the baby died and at my 4 month check up we found I had what they call a missed miscarriage. I had a D&C the next day and was told to wait 3 months to try again. We waited the 3 months and it took another year but we finally conceived again this time I was able to carry to full term and Nicky was born at exactly 39 weeks by scheduled c-section.

Right after he was born I was put on the 3 month birth control pill hoping that would help control the Endo and for awhile it did. Now 4 years later I'm back to where I started. In pain all the freaking time. A lot of people think I'm exaggerating, I'm sure some think I just like to take drugs, but the fact of the matter is I walk around with no less than mild cramping everyday of my life. I love my husband and have sex with him on regular basis because I know he wants to, but if it were left to me we would have no sex life because I leave the room damn near in tears after every round of love making. Do you have any idea how it feels to have to take pain meds just to be intimate with your spouse? Probably not, but I do.

I went back to the doctor 4 months ago at a loss because I'm friggin exhausted from dealing with this shit, he won't give me the hysterectomy, and I may still want one more rugrat so the doc says there's this shot it's helped 96% of the women who've used it. It'll put you into pre-mature menopause while your on it but afterwards you can still have kids and things should be a lot better. Last week I had my 4th shot. Today I woke up and I can barely walk I hurt so bad. Apparently I'm in that 4% that the shit doesn't work for. I'll go in and get the last two shots in the hopes that by some miracle they'll suddenly start working, But I'm honestly past any real hope. I've lived with this for so long I've come to the conclusion I must have really sucked ass in a past life and this is my punishment, to live with this for ever. I can only pray that my baby girl never ever has to deal with this bullshit. I'll tell you one thing if she tells me she has a pain in her lower area I'll be rushing her little butt right to the doctor. You'll never, ever hear me say the words oh it's just growing pains.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Momma ~The best Mother in law Eva~

I know a lot of women get stuck with the mother in law from hell, and for those women I have great sympathy. I however was blessed with an amazing mother in law for whom I am extremely thankful. This woman had been so incredible and helped me and my family get through so much it's mind boggling at times.

My relationship with her has been pretty good since the day Frank and I got together. She welcomed me into her home and family immediately. She always included me in everything from holidays to family pictures, and has always been nothing but supportive of both of us. When I found out I was pregnant with our daughter she was one of the first people we told and she couldn't have been happier. If there was something I needed she would run out and get it in a heartbeat. When it came time for our wedding, there was no arguments she understood it was our wedding and didn't try to tell us how things should be, but if we needed help with something she was one of the first people there helping.

About 6 years ago her and my father in law divorced and after a brief stint in Chicago she ended up moving in with us. I know most women would rather shave their heads than have their mother in law living with them. Not me. She has been a blessing since day 1. She has always helped with the cooking and cleaning, will happily babysit if asked and never ever puts her nose in mine and my husbands business. When my son was born he was one of those babies who never slept for more than an hour at a time, cried all the time always wanted to be held. Was pretty much a mama's boy with a super healthy set of lungs, my mother in law (bless her heart) would come and take him at least a couple hours a night on nights she didn't have to go to work the next day, just so I could get a little bit of sleep.

Now 4 years later and she's still the one I can always count on to help me out with the kids. She still helps regularly with the cooking and cleaning. And to this day has never once tried to tell me how to raise my kids, keep my house or take care of my husband. On top of all that if I have a problem she's always there for me, and if she can help fix it she will. I love my mother in law as much as I love my own mom and am thankful everyday that I was blessed with such an exceptional woman in my life.

Friday, November 5, 2010

The Parentals in my life

Today's I'm thankful for is my parents, like many people in todays society I have more than just a mom and dad. So here's their stories:

I guess you could say I'm from a broken home but I've never really seen it that way. The fact that my parents weren't together when I was growing up truly never bothered me. Call me strange, it wouldn't be the first time.
But the thing is they split before I was born and I have not 1 single memory of them as a couple so maybe that makes it different for me than all the other kids that watched their parents go from married to divorced. Mine were never married and like I said had split up before I joined the world. I didn't see any less of my dad because of this so maybe that's another reason it didn't bother me.

When I was 2 my dad met and about a year later married Cathy. I like to think I helped him rope her in. He use to take me with him to visit her at the shoe store she managed and I was so dang cute she couldn't help but fall in love with both of us. I was the flower girl in their wedding. They eventually went on to have my two beautiful sisters but Cathy always treated me like I was one of her own.

My mom also went on to marry her first husband when I was only about 2. I wasn't at that wedding and I wish she hadn't been either. That husband doesn't need to be talked about at this time because I'm not at all thankful for him. She divorced him when I was 8 and settled down with Mike a.k.a Poppy when I was 9 or 10. They never married but they stayed together until I was about 18. He's the one I'll be talking about here him I'm thankful for.

My dad was great, there are so many more things I want to say about him but really that sums him up. He was fun to be around, he loved to laugh, he had a very strange sense of humor, he could be raunchy, he loved women, he loved cars, he loved computers, he was so smart sometimes it made me feel kind of dumb (he never did that on purpose) he cussed like a sailor, he had a short fuse but was never violent, he loved his kids. My dad left this world way to early and I miss him it's been 13 long years, but just typing these words makes it all feel like yesterday. But no matter how bad the loss continues to hurt I will always be thankful he was my dad, that I had him for those all to short 17 years and knew he loved me. I will always be thankful for the life he gave me, for the things he taught me, for the family I have because of him.

I'm thankful for my step mom Cathy who is a step only in name because she has been there since I was 2 years old,. Because she is the mother of my two amazing sisters and best friends. Because no matter how shitty I was as a teen she still continued to love me and believe in me, because she never turned her back on me. Because now that I have kids she continues to love me and be a wonderful Nana to my babies.

I'm thankful for my crazy ass mom for so many reasons. Because obviously she chose life, yay I'm here. Because even though she didn't always make the right choices she tried to do right by me, because she loved me and no matter what happened I knew that. Because when my daughter was born she tried even harder to make up for her past mistakes. Because she chose my dad to procreate with and that was a pretty damn good choice or at least I think so. Because she chose to keep me rather than hand me over to her parents to raise. Because she has brought some of the most important people in my life into it. She has made plenty of mistakes but at the end of the day I've forgiven and moved on from the things she's done that have hurt me, because she never did any of it intentionally or out of malice they were just that mistakes. Besides I love her and I'm thankful for all the good in her enough to move past the bad that's not who she is, it's just some stupid shit she's done. Haven't we all?

Mike a.k.a Poppy. Of all the parentals in my life I may be most thankful for poppy. Not because I love him best, but because of what he's done for me and because everyday that he's still here is a blessing. Poppy is a diabetic that without the proper guidance doesn't always take the best care of himself. I worry about him constantly. When I say I'm thankful for what he's done for me what I mean is this. My dad died when I was 17 after a very short battle with cancer. I was devastated and I think there's a good chance that had I been left alone I may have sunk into a spiraling pit of depression and done god knows what to myself or with my life. I was a mess, I didn't eat for shit, barely slept, quit talking to friends, didn't want to leave the house except for work. I lost a bunch of weight and when your 5'1 and only weigh 110 losing 5 pounds is bad I lost more. Mike was there for me, he understood we didn't talk a lot but when we did he got it. No one else around me had lost a parent but he had at a much younger age but still it was like we were kindred. I just needed someone to lean on for awhile and though my mom tried to be there I couldn't lean on her I was kind of mad at her for being so alive and healthy with all the dumb shit she had done to her body over the years when my dad was gone and didn't deserve to be. Don't get me wrong I didn't want her dead I just didn't want him dead either. I was sad, and angry and messed up and she would get mad at me because I couldn't pull myself out of the funk I was in and it pissed me off that she just couldn't get it, but poppy he got it and he never got mad at me he understood if I was down that sometimes I just needed a hug or to be left alone. He learned or just knew how to read me, he always knew what I needed and knew what to say and when to say it. So for getting me through some of the darkest days of my life, and being there ever since for some of the happiest like giving me away on my wedding day, and coming to the hospital to see my babies when they were born and continuing to love me and treat me like his own long after him and my moms relationship ended I'll forever and always be thankful for poppy.

There is also Tracy who is more of a friend than a parental she and poppy were married for almost 10 years. They got together after him and my mom split up. I still lived with him at the time and where most women would have had problems with that Trace took it in stride and we became fast friends. She never treated me as anything less than his daughter and I love her for that. She could have royally screwed up our relationship had she wanted to but she's a wonderful person and she saw a family and didn't want anything more than to be apart of it. And for the years they were together that's exactly what we were. Now even though they are divorced Tracy is still very much a part of my life. I may not see her as often as I'd like but I love her and am thankful for her just the same.Because I know if I need her she'll always be there.

So those are my parents in a crazy little nutshell. I love all of them with all of my heart and wouldn't change any of them for the world. The only change I would make if I could cross my arms and pop my pony tail like genie is that my dad would have never gotten sick and would still be here. But as for the rest I'm thankful everyday for these wonderful people in my life because without them I wouldn't be the Becky I am today.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Novembers list of thankfulness day 4

And today I'm thankful for my house which is totally a home. But not so thankful for my bloodsucking mortgage company.

We've lived in our house for 9 years and in those years we've made it our home a little more each day. From painting, to new carpet to adding a munchkin here and there. It's by no means a palace but it's a nice house, and we've made it better if I do say so myself. Which I do.

It's not really big enough for us, but it gets the job done and as long as we don't add anymore munchkins were not exactly cramped. The yard could be bigger, but at least we have a yard. It could use a new roof but at least the one we have doesn't leak, the a/c works in the summer, the heat works in the winter (well usually, every other year we end up having the heater guy come out to change a $30 part). All in all it has been a great starter home for our family and I'm thankful that we were able to buy it 9 years ago and hang onto it with the economy the way it's been.

When so many have lost their homes I can only be thankful we still have ours. We haven't had to deal with the heartache and displacement of our family. There were times we weren't so sure we would be able to make it and my heart goes out to those who have dealt with foreclosure and job losses.

Now as thankful as I am for my home, I am not at all thankful for my mortgage company who I am now 100% convinced is the devil. BofA has got to be one of the worst banks I've ever dealt with, and my advice to anyone looking for a mortgage stay away from them. I could give you a whole laundry list of reasons they suck major male appendages but this is my thankful list so maybe another day I'll devote a whole blog to the evils of this particular bank.

Until then I'm just thankful I have a house for my kids with a roof over their heads and heat to keep them warm.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Frank ~A.K.A The Husband~

Carrying on with my November list of thankful is why I'm thankful for Frank also known as "The Husband".

I'm thankful for this man for so many reasons, let me count the ways.....

I started to tell the story of how we met and made it to where we are today but in all honestly that would be a freaking novel. So let me just give the basics. I've been with Frank for almost 13 years and married 8 and a half. I know it sounds so cliche but I truly believe he's my soul mate.

We have 2 beautiful children our daughter is 8 almost 9. We had been together over 3 years when I found out I was pregnant with her, we lived with his parents at the time.We had been looking for a house for awhile but the minute we found out about her we doubled our efforts to find a home of our own. I knew I didn't want to have our child while living in his parents basement and Frank did anything and everything he could to make sure I didn't have to. 2 months before she was born we signed the papers and moved into our new place. During  my pregnancy I had a few complications and he was always right there taking care of me. When the day came and I went into labor he was right there with me every second in the hospital, even though he was on midnights at the time and hadn't slept he stayed with me, and when it turned into an emergency c-section it was him that was next to me in that operating room. Never leaving my side till he knew both myself and our daughter were ok, then he only left long enough to catch a couple hours of sleep, take a shower and bring me back my bag of stuff. When we came home a few days later he took care of both of us and he took to being a father like he was born for just that job.

Two years later when I was diagnosed with endometriosis after months of pain he was the one who helped me on my bad days. When the doctor told me if we wanted more kids we needed to start trying asap he was ready to step up to the plate and when month after month it didn't happen he was the one who got me through it and helped me keep my sanity. After almost a year of trying we found out we were finally pregnant and both of us were ecstatic. Everything was going well at my 3 month check up then at my 4 month check up there was no heart beat, I had what they call a missed miscarriage. I was crushed, I know he was too, but he kept it together and got me through the D&C the next day and managed to keep me from diving head first into the pit of despair I was feeling. Without him I never could have survived that or the next 2 years that followed. After the miscarriage and the 3 months of healing I was ok'd to try again it took another year before I got pregnant and this time I made it the whole 9 months and after a scheduled cesarean I had a beautiful baby boy who is just shy of 4 years old today.

Frank has turned out to be one of the most amazing fathers a woman could ever want for her children. He doesn't go out with the boys, he doesn't waste money, he isn't a drinker. He's just a great guy who loves his kids and wants nothing more than to spend every free moment with them.

When it comes to me I'd swear the man is damn near a saint to put up with my crazy ass, I'm by far not the easiest person on earth to deal with. I've done some completely shitty and retarded things since we've been together, and it seems like I make the same stupid mistakes over, and over. But this man loves me enough to stay by my side and keep having faith in me that I'll get it right this time.

So for all these things and so many, many more I'm thankful for Frank the love of my life.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Novembers list of thankfulness day 2

Yesterdays post about my beloved sisters will count as day one since I technically forgot I wanted to do this little experiment for the whole month and see if I could actually fill up 20 something days with the things I am thankful for. So obviously I am extremely thankful for my sisters who are also 2 of my bestest ( I know not a word, I so don't care grammar police) friends in the whole world.

Todays I'm thankful for is my to beautiful, wonderful, sometimes wild ass, crazy, little monkeys. I love, love, love my kids more than any words can ever truly express. My daughter who is 8 going on 18 (some days), is seriously the most abnormally we behaved child I've ever seen. I have no idea where it comes from, sure from time to time she has a sassy little mouth on her but besides that she really is just a great kid. She helps with her brother, she loves hanging out with us as a family, she likes to read, and she eats her veggies without complaint, usually. Her one down fall, she's a slob. Ask her to clean her room and you might as well be talking to a brick wall. The one true battle we have is always about cleaning, especially her room.

My son who will be 4 a couple days after Thanksgiving is the polar opposite of his sister. Everythings a battle with this child. To get him to do anything you want him to do reverse psychology must be employed or forget about it. He totally inherited his daddy's hard headed Italian side. But even when he's fighting with me I can't help but want to grab him up and give his cute lil cheeks big squishy kisses.  Big brown eyes, pouty lower lip and the cutest cheeks on earth I tell ya. He can melt ya in like a minute flat.

I'm thankful for both these little monkeys of mine for so many reasons. Calee because she came along at a time in my life when I needed a kick in the butt to make me realize it was time to settle down, put some roots down, and grow up. She made me a better person then and everyday since I found out she existed. Nicky because he has taught me so much about patience and how to control my temper when dealing with his, but mostly just that he is here. Because where Calee was a happy surprise for us Nicky was a conscious decision that took over 2 years of trying with lots of disappointments, one very serious and heartbreaking loss and a lot of tears and soul searching to get to. Because of those years I'm more understanding of what a miracle each of them really is and even more thankful for them than had I never experienced that loss. So ya I'm eternally thankful for my beautiful babies.

Monday, November 1, 2010

~Sisters~ My best friends by birth and choice

Over the last 30 years many people have come and gone from my life. Some have been amazing and some I was grateful when they departed and moved on to the next one. Some of the most amazing have continued to linger, those ones make me happy and have been there for me when I needed them and I've been there for them.

But 2 of the most amazing wonderful women I've ever had the pleasure of knowing entered my life 22 years and 20 years ago. On June 30th 1988 my beautiful, crazy,full of life little sister Mel was born. Little did I know the day she and I were first introduced how much more than just a baby sister she would one day be to me. Then a little less than 2 years later February 2, 1990 to be exact my Megs was born and I remember that day like it was yesterday.I was over joyed when I got to meet this cute, chubby pink bundle that was our new baby sister.

I was the oldest and growing up there were times they drove me absolutely bat shit crazy, but that's what little sisters are for right. To get into your room and tear up your stuff, mess with your make up and spy on you so they can run back and scream at the top of their lungs "Daddy, daddy Becky's kissing a boy"(yes that happened) But those are all trivial little kid things that you learn to expect and get through. Besides I'm sure if you ask them they have stories of me embarrassing them.

Where I'm going with this is how important these sisters of mine are today. When I was 17 we lost our father after a very short battle with cancer. At the time I lived with my mom and they lived with theirs. But my step mom had been a part of my life since I was 2 and aside from my rebellious teen bs we were close, so seeing my sisters and having them in my life was never an issue. I still got to watch them grow up, we still had holidays together, when my daughter was born mom and Megs were both at the hospital to see us and both the girls stood up in my wedding that summer. The loss of our father may have made us hold onto each other a little tighter I don't really know but we became very close. Each in our own way. My relationship with Mel is completely different than the one I have with Meg but don't ever ask me to pick a favorite I'd rather punch you in the face. I love them both equally, just for who they are.

Today Mel is 22 and a hard working college student, when she's not at school she's at work, and when she's not doing one of the first 2 she's helping one of us. She will do just about anything for those of us she love's I know cause shes been here helping me throw my kids crazy Halloween party all week. She can be abrasive and hard to handle, but she's also one of the most honest, caring, and loving people I know. If I need her she's right there in a second no questions asked, she's the keeper of my secrets, the helper of all my crazy family get togethers, and one of the best friends I've ever had. I love her with all my heart and know no matter what happens in life she'll never turn her back on me.

Meg is 20 now and a mother herself to my amazingly beautiful nephew Hunter. She works and takes care of her now on the move almost 7 month old son and like Mel when she's not busy with her own life she's busy with the rest of ours. She's hit a bit of a rough patch in her personal life (which I won't get into as that's her story to tell) but she never lets her own problems keep her from being there for me and my kids. She's seriously has a heart of pure gold and I think I may one day have to commit a felony because someone is breaking that precious heart. Like Mel, Meg and I have our secrets and I know if it came down to it this wonderful woman would take a bullet for me.(Not that I would let her, my nephew needs her) but just knowing I have the kind of love and devotion get from her is enough to make me feel amazing.

My life not all sunshine and roses, like anyones really is but with sisters like mine who turned out to not just be family but some of the truest,closest friends I've ever had I can defiantly see the rainbow after the storm. I love these ladies with all my heart and soul and next to my own children and husband they are the most important people in my life. I thank god every day for placing these two angels in my life. They truly are my sisters by birth and friends by choice, and I couldn't ask for better.