Thursday, June 30, 2011

I'm just floored

In my last post I talked about my personal experiences with the loss of my father and the more recent leaving of my father in law. Now my father in law leaving was rough on the family but all his children are grown, he didn't abandon any of us. He is just taking a different path now in what I guess you could call his twilight years.

But the night I posted that I talked to a pretty close friend and found out her husband is leaving her and her kids. Just totally walking out on his family. This floored me, hell it devastated me. This was a couple I thought would be together forever. I've only known them for about 6 years but in that time I've seen what I would call an extremely close family, and a couple that could survive damn near anything, and from the stories I've heard they had. But not this time.

I don't know all the details and even if I did it's not my story to tell but there's some old demons that have reared their heads again. Apparently this time he just can't or won't find the strength to exorcise them. So instead this man whom I always thought very highly of is walking away from his beautiful wife, his high school sweet heart, the mother of his 3 beautiful girls, the woman whose stood by his side through everything and not just her but their children. He's just giving up on all of them and leaving, not just the home but the state. I don't understand.

I'm trying not to judge him because I haven't spoken to him, nor have I walked in his shoes. But I'm having a hard time seeing anything that makes how he's handling this situation ok. The youngest daughter is the princesses very best friend in the whole world and like a third child of ours and I can't stand the idea of anything hurting this child, and she idolized her father.

My friend is one of the most amazing, strongest women I've ever met and I had to watch her fall apart while she told me what was going on. I don't blame her for falling apart, I wouldn't expect anything less, what upsets me is that someone so strong that has been through so much in her life should not have to go through this. She should not be worrying about how to get her girls through this, or thinking what she did wrong, or to deserve this. She's not perfect none of us are but damn it she deserves happiness and to have her family. She should be making plans for family camping trips, summer bbq's, our get togethers to the beach. Not stressing out about making sure her kids don't see her upset, or worrying about getting them into counseling to deal with the fall out.

The whole situation just really suck and I wish there was more I could do. But all I can do is be here when she needs a friend and keep telling her it's not her fault. All I can say is WTF, and hope and pray that they all make it through this ok and maybe just maybe he comes to his senses and realizes everything he's walking away from.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

When fathers leave

I've been thinking about dads a lot lately. Yeah I know fathers day was over a week ago but this isn't really a fathers day post anyway. I'm talking about more when fathers leave your life for one reason or another. Be it their choice or lifes.

Ok yesterday would have been my dads 59th birthday. But my dad died 13 years ago this August, and his birthday, fathers day, the date of his death, really a big chunk of summer is really hard for me to get through with out thinking about him. Obsessing over things left unsaid. Wondering if he would be proud of the woman I became. Wishing he could have been here to see his grandbabies, would he have liked the hubs, would we be as close today as I think we would have. Regretting all the little moments he should have been here for from giving me away even though I had my amazing poppy to do that job I still wish my dad would have been here. Or for my sisters graduations, or for the births of my kids or to talk some sense into my sister when she started dating the ass jacket she's with (though I know she never would have felt the need to be with some loser like him in the first place but that's a different story altogether) there's just so many things in all our lives I know would be so different if my daddy were still here. A piece of all of us died when he left this earth and nothings ever been the same.

I think this year it's hitting me a little harder than most because of every thing going on with my father in law. Today he leaves for Romania and were not really sure were ever going to see him again. He basically gave hubs and I his house, has said he has no intentions of returning to our state at all if and when he comes back to the states and we only have a vague idea of where he will be in Romania. On top of all that the man is in his 70's and not in the best of health to begin with. It's kind of like were saying our final farewell. Only I didn't get to do that. I tried to go say good bye to him yesterday but he wasn't around like he was supposed to be. And today I won't be able to go with the hubs and kids to take them to the airport because I'm watching my girlfriends kids and I can't drag 3 extra munchkins with us.

I'll be the first to admit I'm not always my FIL's biggest fan but I still love the old guy. But most of all I  know that his leaving and the possibility of never seeing him again is really hurting the hubs. He's not saying to much about it but he loves that old man and he's gonna miss him something awful. I just hope and pray for him and the kids sake that this isn't the final goodbye. That they get at least a little more time even if it's just a visit here and there. The not knowing where he is and how he's doing is the worst.

I know in my FIL's heart he feels were all going to be fine without him.So he's not needed any longer and for the most part he's right we can all take care of ourselves. But we still want our family around, we'd like to know he's ok and to see him from time to time. I guess for now we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Update: I did manage to go for a few minutes and see my father in law before the hubs and kids took him and the wife to the airport. So I was able to say my goodbyes and was shocked to find myself choking up and ready to cry like a baby. I can't believe how heart breaking it was for me to realize I may never see the old man again. We may not have always seen eye to eye and agreed on everything but I really do love the old coot, he's family and such a huge part of my life for the past 13 years I don't know what were going to do without him around. I just hope and pray this isn't the last time we see him. The good news is this time we do have a phone number and address so we can at least stay in touch,

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Vacation fun and back to reality

The family and I just returned home from a wonderful 9 day vacation to sunny, fabulous Florida. No one really wanted to come back to the Mitten. Why would we? It's beautiful down there, the weather was amazing (I love hot, not cold) and well there was no craptastic family bs to deal with. 9 days of not having to deal with all the crap of our daily lives. It was heaven.

We went to visit my mom who I hadn't seen since last summer when we were there, and I can't even begin  to describe how good it was to see her. No matter how old I am I still miss my mom and I have to admit it kinda sucks not having her around all the time. But I guess if she has to live 1000+ miles away at least it's somewhere great to vacation.

We didn't do anything huge this year like Disney or Sea World. We did go to the Jacksonville zoo which is absolutely beautiful. Other than that we spent time with my mom and grandpa, did some shopping at the outlet mall and visited my great grandmother. Oh and of course practically lived at the beach. The beach I'm very sad I can't be at right now, the beach that I love almost as much as my family. I've been going to this beach since I was just a little one and I'll go back again for probably the rest of my life but for some reason this trip the beach was just well like home. All of us had so much fun, playing in the waves, walking along the shore, picking up shells, building sandcastles. Both kids were totally into playing in the ocean this year, even my timid little guy that wouldn't leave his tidal pool last year, this time we couldn't get him out of the water for love or money. Pretty sure they were meant to be beach bunnies not snow bunnies.

So after 9 wonderful sunny days of vacation we had to pack the van up and head back to our reality. Our reality is we our moving from the house we've lived in for the last almost 10 years into the house the hubs father signed over to us. The problem with this is my father in law is leaving town and all he is taking from the new house is his personal belongings (clothing, paperwork, a few photos) everything else is being left behind. Were talking 4 or 5 peoples worth of stuff from over 40 years. We get the pleasure of cleaning out all of it. Almost like if he passed away only without all the sadness of him actually passing. (thank goodness for that). But It's a shit ton of work, every room is full of furniture, knick knacks, clothing, etc. Not to mention that the house itself needs work.

Every room needs no less than a coat of paint and new carpet. But many of the rooms have wall paper that my wonderful FIL and his wife in all their wisdom decided to half ass paint over, some worse than others. Any room they decided to redecorate in, well fixing their work is going to be an exercise in patience not to mention a giant pain in my ass.

I'm trying really hard to be excited about the move the fact of the matter is the house is much bigger than the one were in, the payment is way cheaper and were going into it with equity already. The neighborhood is nicer, and the school district is supposed to be better. (not that the schools matter since I'm not really planning on moving the kids schools for at least another year). But there's so much work.

As if the work we have to do there isn't enough we still have to worry about packing and moving all our stuff. Deciding what were keeping and getting rid of from both houses and consolidating them.Having at least 2 garage sales to get rid of the stuff we don't want worth selling, several trips to the dump to get rid of the stuff not worth keeping or selling. Then there's finding a place for and moving my MIL and BIL which is another issue all on it's own.

All this reality pretty much smacked us in the face as soon as we returned home because you know real life waits for no one, and to make it all that much more fun we went from sunny 90+ degree days on the beach to rainy dreary and not even hitting the 70's. (Someone forgot to give Mother Nature the memo it's summer in the Mitten too).

Talk about wishing we could turn around and go back. When we got back, heard the weather for the week, started making lists and plans for all the things we needed to get started on the hubs and I looked at each other and both said we should have stayed the rest of the week and just enjoyed the last few days of our vacation before coming home to deal with this.


Thursday, June 2, 2011

The summer that will change everything

I usually look forward to summer vacation with as much anticipation as the kids, and this summer is no exception I do very much look forward to the break from all the craziness that is the school year. However this summer will bring with it a lot of changes that are going to shake my little family up and all I can do is cross my finger and pray that it is all for the best.

We (meaning the hubs and I) decided recently we are going to get rid of the house were currently living in and take over the house his dad wants to get rid of. If everything goes well it should be a win-win for all of us. The new house is bigger, in a better area and the payments are way more in line with our budget. Of course this wouldn't be my life if there wasn't a whole list of cons and stress factors involved.

To begin with there is of course getting rid of the house were in. But that's really the least of our worries, were kinda at the point where whatever happens, happens. Our mortgage company has screwed us around, over and under and we just can't take it anymore. We would like to be able to work something out that doesn't mess up our credit for life but we'll see how it all goes down. We are talking bank of America here and if anyone has dealt with them your well aware it's akin to bargaining with the devil.

Then there is the cleaning out, packing and moving of 2 households worth of stuff. Yes 2 houses worth of stuff. My father in law is leaving the country and decided when he signed his house over to us that with the home came everything in it. So on top of having to box up and move my entire house I have to figure out what to do with a lifetime worth of his belongings.

Luckily we will have help with that and some of the stuff is already spoken for. We know a few things are staying in the house. My MIL, BIL, and SIL are all going to go through and decide what they want and after all that has been done the rest will be sorted, boxed and transported to our house to sell in our yard/moving sale. There may possibly be 2 of these depending on the amount of stuff we have from both houses. 

As if all of these issues weren't enough to deal with there is of course the human element. The princess and lil man are both coming to terms with the idea of moving, but nothings been packed yet it's all just words to them right now. I'm not sure how well this is all really going to go over once the boxes come out and possessions move from one house to another, fingers crossed they take it all well. I have a feeling it will take some time to adjust though. On top of moving from the only house they've ever know they will be losing their grandmother who has lived with us for the last 6 and a half years. She will be getting her own place not far from us but it still won't be quite the same.

There are a few other things that keep adding to the stress level and hopefully they can be dealt with, without bloodshed or any serious arguments. But I have my doubts on a few of them I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I do know that a few of them were not part of the equation when our decision was made and those ones will be dealt with swiftly, and maybe not so pleasantly if they become serious issues over the coming months.

In 8 days the princess will go to school for the last day before summer vacay starts, then we will go spend 2 weeks in Florida with my mom. When we get home the craziness of this move will begin and my summer will pretty much be spent cleaning, packing, painting,  oh and selling off all the stuff that none of us want.

This summer may very well change everything, I just hope it's for the better for all of us. I think if we all come together as a family and work through it we'll be fine, now if everyone can just get along long enough.