Thursday, February 24, 2011

She'll find her way

I have this incredible woman in my life, she means well almost as much as my kids and hubs to me. I won't say who she is exactly because this is her story and she deserves to stay anonymous till she's ready to come out with it on her own. But for now I have some things I have to say about the whole situation that just can't be kept silent.

Here's the back story: this exceptional young woman meets and falls for a guy who everyone knows isn't really good enough for her, but she cares about him so we all put up with the guy because we love her.We even go as far accepting him and trying to give him a chance , even though we all have our reservations.  He's not what any of us would have asked for, for her. She had ambitions and goals, plans for her future. Him well he's content to sit around and play video games and let her take care of him and work bs odd jobs now and then to get gas and cigarette money. After awhile she finds herself pregnant, no one is thrilled but again we love her and stand behind her decision to keep the baby. The guy doesn't run off, but neither is he a grade A catch. He still isn't working a real job, he's collecting unemployment ( I won't get into how he is doing this when he didn't actually work the job he's collecting for) So during the whole pregnancy he doesn't work but she does, up until  she can no longer do her job (she was housekeeping in a hotel, cleaning with chemicals yo) but she does look for other work after leaving this job, but it's not easy finding work when your out to there preggers.

When the baby was born he still wasn't working, but finally went out and found work when unemployment benefits ran out a few months later. Can you say lazy, good for nothing. He didn't bother to look once during the time he was collecting those benefits he chose to wait until they were exhausted and hope he'd get lucky. She on the other hand began looking immediately after her six week post natal appointment with the Ob.
He did get lucky and found a decent job working afternoons, she also found work pretty quickly.Her mom watches the baby for them to help them save on the cost of a sitter. Here's one of the things that really burn mine and just about anyone who hears it's ass he works Mon-Fri on the weekend if she works you'd think he could keep his son. Nope she has to have her mom or someone else babysit so she can work because he can't handle it when the baby gets whiny. Apparently he's even said he'll just get rid of the kid if she leaves him with him. Throat punch anyone?

Most of us noticed over time she was gradually becoming more and more unhappy, I began to suspect  postpartum depression, but I also knew there was something going on at home with him. Her and I had always been super close but now getting her to confide in me was like pulling teeth. She went from telling me everything to slowly but surely shutting me and everyone else out and telling us what she thought we wanted to hear.

I began suspecting that not only did she have a case of postpartum but that the boyfriend was abusive both physically and mentally. I had no proof and she wasn't telling me anything but I've known her all her life and she just can't hide things from me. Other people had suspicions that they had come to me with, bruises they had seen that were clearly from someones hand gripping an arm to tight, marks near the neck that were not hickeys, and then of course there was her behavior. At first she defended him, and made excuses, then slowly she began to let on how unhappy she was. I began to tell her I what I thought was happening and that's when I knew I was right when I told her I thought he was abusive she didn't even try to deny it this time.

The other shoe finally dropped this week I don't know if she finally hit that wall or what but she remembered who I was and that she could trust me and finally opened up to me and told me whats been going on. For the last 2 years maybe a little longer. Sadly I was right about him. The good news is she says she's ready to make a stand and take her life back, she's scared but she knows he's not going to change and her and her son deserve better.  So she's making plans to start over without him, to get him out of her house and her life, figuring out how to tell the people in her life that matter and need to know whats been going on.

It's not going to be easy for her, and unfortunately she does share a child with him and if he wants to see his son and doesn't do anything to stupid  he will have that right ,she will have to continue to have him in her life but she gets to choose now how far into that life he gets. She will have the control now, because with the help of those who love her she's going to learn how to take it back.

I just pray that she sticks to her guns and does what she know she needs to do, and doesn't let him dupe her into believing he will get better and that anything will change. As a former victim of domestic violence I know all to well they talk a good game but in the end the only way that next hit will be the last is if you leave.

Baby girl if your reading this don't be mad, your story is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. I meant what I said when I told you the only one who holds any shame in this is him. Your doing the right thing by making him leave both for you and your child, what happens to him is not your concern yours and your sons safety and happiness comes first. I'm with you every step of the way, the rest of them will be too. You have a lot of people who love and care about you and no one will be disappointed in you, I promise. If one single person gives you any shit they'll have to deal with me, I don't care who they are understand. No one is going to step on you anymore I will not allow it. I love you doll, time for you to start loving yourself again because your totally worth it.


  1. This is sad and unfortunate and what a tricky situation for you to have been in. I am so glad she finally came to you. And she is so lucky to have a friend like you that cares so much. I hope this all works out.

  2. Thanks Roc, I know it'll probably get worse before it gets better for her, but at least now she's not going it alone. I know from my own past how hard it was for her to come to me and how hard it's going to be but she's so much stronger than she given herself credit for. She'll be all right in the long run she just has to take it one day at a time.

  3. Well, this guy definitly deserves a good hard Chuck Norris style throat punch.What a piece of shit! Poor girl. She has nothing to be ashamed of and is lucky to have family and friends like you to support and stand behind her!Hugs all around!