Wednesday, June 29, 2011

When fathers leave

I've been thinking about dads a lot lately. Yeah I know fathers day was over a week ago but this isn't really a fathers day post anyway. I'm talking about more when fathers leave your life for one reason or another. Be it their choice or lifes.

Ok yesterday would have been my dads 59th birthday. But my dad died 13 years ago this August, and his birthday, fathers day, the date of his death, really a big chunk of summer is really hard for me to get through with out thinking about him. Obsessing over things left unsaid. Wondering if he would be proud of the woman I became. Wishing he could have been here to see his grandbabies, would he have liked the hubs, would we be as close today as I think we would have. Regretting all the little moments he should have been here for from giving me away even though I had my amazing poppy to do that job I still wish my dad would have been here. Or for my sisters graduations, or for the births of my kids or to talk some sense into my sister when she started dating the ass jacket she's with (though I know she never would have felt the need to be with some loser like him in the first place but that's a different story altogether) there's just so many things in all our lives I know would be so different if my daddy were still here. A piece of all of us died when he left this earth and nothings ever been the same.

I think this year it's hitting me a little harder than most because of every thing going on with my father in law. Today he leaves for Romania and were not really sure were ever going to see him again. He basically gave hubs and I his house, has said he has no intentions of returning to our state at all if and when he comes back to the states and we only have a vague idea of where he will be in Romania. On top of all that the man is in his 70's and not in the best of health to begin with. It's kind of like were saying our final farewell. Only I didn't get to do that. I tried to go say good bye to him yesterday but he wasn't around like he was supposed to be. And today I won't be able to go with the hubs and kids to take them to the airport because I'm watching my girlfriends kids and I can't drag 3 extra munchkins with us.

I'll be the first to admit I'm not always my FIL's biggest fan but I still love the old guy. But most of all I  know that his leaving and the possibility of never seeing him again is really hurting the hubs. He's not saying to much about it but he loves that old man and he's gonna miss him something awful. I just hope and pray for him and the kids sake that this isn't the final goodbye. That they get at least a little more time even if it's just a visit here and there. The not knowing where he is and how he's doing is the worst.

I know in my FIL's heart he feels were all going to be fine without him.So he's not needed any longer and for the most part he's right we can all take care of ourselves. But we still want our family around, we'd like to know he's ok and to see him from time to time. I guess for now we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Update: I did manage to go for a few minutes and see my father in law before the hubs and kids took him and the wife to the airport. So I was able to say my goodbyes and was shocked to find myself choking up and ready to cry like a baby. I can't believe how heart breaking it was for me to realize I may never see the old man again. We may not have always seen eye to eye and agreed on everything but I really do love the old coot, he's family and such a huge part of my life for the past 13 years I don't know what were going to do without him around. I just hope and pray this isn't the last time we see him. The good news is this time we do have a phone number and address so we can at least stay in touch,